


breaking the circle.

by iPhone



Category: Pitch Perfect (Movies)
Genre: F/F, Parenthood, Romance
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-06-16
Updated: 2019-06-16
Packaged: 2020-05-13 03:56:34
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,057
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/19243348
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/iPhone/pseuds/iPhone
Summary: Five moments in Beca’s life. Devolution, evolution, and everything in between in the life cycle of parenthood.





	breaking the circle.

**Author's Note:**

> I was thinking of writing a father's day fic, but this kind of popped out instead. 
> 
> i don’t claim to know everything about how parental relationships work, but family is family whatever form it comes in. Single parents included. Found family included. Friends included. Show some love to the people in your life who helped make you, you. And know that your past doesn’t define you. <3
> 
> Come say hi to me on [tumblr](https://isthemusictoblame.tumblr.com/).

**one.**

 

When Beca is little, she crawls into her parent’s bed. It is her mother who holds her first - her mother who first picks her up off the ground and guides her safely into bed.

Nothing feels safer than lying in between her parents - lying between the two people she trusts more in the world.

When she wakes, it’s with bleary eyes always and her stuffed bear is somewhere near the floor. Her vision clears to her father leaning over her and grinning before he picks her up and swings her around to the faint protest of her mother claiming that she needs to get ready for school.

Beca falls asleep to her mother and wakes to her father – and that’s how it is for as long as she can remember.

It’s safe and consistent. It’s gratitude and love.

It’s everything a child could ask for.

 

* * *

 

 

**two.**

 

The first time Beca wakes to nothingness is the day after her father leaves her mother. When she cracks open her eyes, she feels all the aches in her bones, like she was hit by multiple sledgehammers.

She spent the night crying, but she did so alone because it felt wrong to crawl into bed with her mother to fall asleep - her mother who spent a large portion of the night asking her father to stay.

Tentatively, Beca flips back her own covers and makes her way to her mother’s room. She can hear sniffling. She feels helpless for the first time, without the strength of the parents’ joint love and with trembling hands, she pushes open her mother’s door.

It feels different, waking up to her mother in this state.

Beca blinks and slowly crawls onto the bed - onto the empty space in a suddenly vast and sprawling bed.

Her mother says nothing for the longest time, so Beca reaches out to hold her hand.

“It’s going to be okay,” she reassures her own mother.

“It’s going to be okay,” she repeats, wondering if she’s reassuring herself.

 

* * *

 

 

**two and a half.**

 

“You can tell me anything, you know,” Chloe says softly. She brushes her fingers through Beca’s hair in a soothing manner - a familiar way. It makes Beca’s eyes flutter shut and she quickly presses her nose and mouth against Chloe’s neck before she can do or say anything else.

A part of her thinks Chloe wouldn’t understand. Chloe seems to speak brightly and happily of her own family, though she does so sparsely. But all Beca knows is that Chloe doesn’t come from a broken home. That Chloe and her siblings grew up with a father who never left and a mother who never checked in and out.

But the trust that wells inside her - Beca finds herself blushing under the momentary embarrassment of the intimacy she suddenly wants to share with Chloe. Since they started dating months ago, Beca has opened up steadily to this woman - this woman who manages to find every last crack and insecurity.

(Additionally, the family Beca found in The Bellas is both a gift and a curse. She never has a moment’s rest, but she’ll take that over crippling loneliness any day.)

So Beca thinks she’ll tell Chloe about reconciliation with her father. She thinks she’ll tell Chloe about wanting to have her own family but fearing a repeat shortcoming of her own.

“I know,” Beca murmurs finally.

Chloe’s fingers never cease their stroking through her hair. Steady as their heartbeats, so in sync.

 

* * *

 

 

**three.**

 

Beca meets Chloe’s family with nervousness settling into the pits of her stomach.

But the nervousness settles into something else.

Chloe’s father is a severe-looking man and Chloe’s mother is all smiles and fluttery eyelids. It’s the most jarring dichotomy Beca has ever seen and she has to blink twice to make sure she’s not imagining it - like she’s not imagining Chloe’s mother is a little too tipsy for mid-day, considering they haven’t sat down for lunch yet. Like she’s not imagining the way Chloe’s father grips her shoulder with surprising force. Force that only Beca can _see_ because Chloe’s entire body seems to stiffen.

“Happy father’s day, daddy,” Chloe says softly, leaning up to kiss his cheek. Beca blinks at the change in Chloe’s attitude and the way her shoulders kind of slump. The delicate way she reaches for Beca’s hand again is so unlike Chloe’s usual confidence and love. The contrast between _this_ and the way Chloe sometimes _tugs_ Beca’s hand out of her pocket forcibly just so she can hold it. “This is my girlfriend, Beca.”

“Nice to meet you, Beca,” Chloe’s father says after the longest, most awkward moment. Beca swallows back excess saliva and tries not to stumble over herself to shake his hand. She’s grateful that he doesn’t immediately break his hand, but he speaks again and she stumbles. “It’s nice to know Chloe’s made some good friends at that school.” His eyes cut to his daughter. “Considering she’s been going there for so long.”

Chloe opens her mouth immediately and Beca sees the emotion warring in her eyes.

Then Chloe closes her mouth, saying nothing and looks away. Beca wonders what kind of dimension she’s stepped into.

Later, after the most horrifyingly awkward and passive aggressive lunch, Chloe ushers Beca upstairs when her brother and sister make themselves scarce into their own rooms. Beca quickly puts as many plates as she can in the sink before Chloe can do so and thinks she catches an appreciative glance from Chloe’s mother, but it’s hard to say with how hard her mother was hitting the wine.

The moment Chloe’s door closes, Beca barely has time to appreciate the soft pastels of Chloe’s room – totally on brand for her girlfriend – when the shouting starts.

It’s faint at first, but grows in volume before it’s steady.

Chloe fiddles with her bedspread awkwardly and tries to smile up at Beca, but it comes out as a little bit of a cringe. Beca can relate completely.

“Chloe, I…” Beca trails off, not sure what to say, do, or ask. So she sits beside Chloe on her bed and holds her hand because she just wants Chloe to know that she’s _there_.

“Everything’s not what it seems,” Chloe shrugs. Beca sees the briefest flash of pain in Chloe’s eyes - the briefest moment of insecurity as they sit quietly in Chloe’s childhood bedroom. The echoes of screaming float up like the whispers of the loneliest of childhoods.

 _Two sides of the same coin_ , Beca thinks.

 

* * *

 

 

 **four**.

 

“We have to talk about this, Bec,” Chloe urges when Beca hesitantly makes her way to bed. Chloe’s eyes track her movements as she removes her wedding rings and places them carefully on the dresser in their usual spot.

Chloe has been wanting to talk about _this_ for months.

‘This’ being the fact that Chloe wants to start a family.

“You’ve been pushing off this conversation,” Chloe continues in a soft, even tone. Beca chews her lip as she turns back the covers on her side of the bed to lie next to her wife. The moonlight dances over Chloe’s features and she looks concerned above all, but Beca can see hints of anxiety creeping from the shadows that dance across her wife’s face.

“I…” Beca finds herself stuck. Like the words just won’t escape her.

“Do you not want children?” Chloe asks, quieter still, but with no hint of judgement or fear. Just the barest hint of sadness.

Beca knows that deep down, she _does_ want children. She had dreamt of it all those years ago when they started dating. Maybe even sooner, if she considers how much she enjoyed seeing Chloe interact with children. Chloe has all the instincts of being a loving, doting parent. Beca can just _tell_.

But she’s not sure that she shares those instincts. She’s not sure that she has any good model to follow. She can’t bear the thought of being a failure of a parent to her child.

Beyond that, she feels excess fear and anxieties that come from hypothetical questions and comments from their as-yet hypothetical child: _where’s my father? Who is my father? Did he leave me? Does he love me?_

All the intricacies of navigating the world as two women in love – well, Beca has enjoyed that journey with Chloe. She’d have no other partner. Chloe understands her and loves her through all her faults and shortcomings. And Beca, the same. She loves Chloe’s heart and her forgiving nature. She loves the way Chloe encourages her to see life in color.

She loves Chloe and Chloe loves her.

She’s just–

“I’m scared,” Beca blurts. It tastes bitter and acidic on her tongue. She clears her throat, ready to test out the phrase again. “I’m scared, Chlo,” Beca continues. Chloe says nothing. “I’m scared of not being enough. Of not being present or just there for this baby. Of not being ready. I’m scared - I’m so scared that I’ll do something wrong.”

“Beca,” Chloe says softly, once she’s sure Beca is done speaking. “You’re going to be a wonderful mother.” Chloe shifts so she’s facing Beca on her side. “It’s normal to feel afraid, you know? I’m scared too. But I want so much to have a family with you because you’re the love of my life and I can’t imagine anybody else I’d want to start a family with.” Her hand reaches out to trace Beca’s cheek, pleased to note there aren’t any tears (yet). “I love you, baby.”

“I don’t want to be like my dad. Or my mom,” Beca says shakily, when she manages to battle back a fresh wave of tears.

“I know,” Chloe says in understanding.

“I just...can’t. I can’t be like them. I don’t want that.”

“I know,” Chloe repeats, softer still. She shifts closer and pulls Beca into her arms, wrapping Beca up in warmth and impossible softness. “You’re not going to be like them.”

“But how do you _know_ ,” Beca chokes out.

“Because you’re you,” Chloe says simply. “And you’ve spent your whole life becoming this wonderful woman you are today. The one I married.” Chloe inhales deeply when she feels Beca take a shaky breath. “I married you because I love your resilience and your strength. And I know you’re not going to be like either of your parents - or either of mine for that matter - because you have the biggest heart _ever_.”

“Not as big as yours,” Beca grumbles, headbutting Chloe in the chest gently.

Chloe pauses. “Well, yeah,” she agrees. She giggles when Beca headbutts her again.  “But I’m me and you’re you. And we’re going to figure this out together.”

Beca likes that. “Together,” she repeats, tasting it on her tongue.

She likes that a lot.

 

* * *

 

 

**five.**

 

Parenting is a journey on its own. Beca can’t say that any book really prepares her for the joy of parenthood.

They decide to adopt and to Beca, it makes the most sense. Her and Chloe and everything about their history. Found family and opening their hearts to people they’ve grown to love.

When they finally get to bring home their daughter – Alanna Nicole Beale-Mitchell – it’s after a long and arduous process. Alanna is nearly four months old by the time they bring her home.

When Beca holds her daughter with the promise of permanency for the first time, every book she read about bonding and parenthood and adoption flies out of her head. And all she can see is the mess of light brown hair atop her daughter’s head and the startlingly green eyes - green eyes that neither Chloe or her have.

“Hi,” Beca says softly. “Hi, my love.”

Chloe looks like she might start crying at any second, but she surprisingly holds herself together long enough to ensure all the paperwork is processed accordingly and everything is legally sound. Beca can’t imagine being able to focus on anything but her daughter.

“I’ve been waiting for you all my life,” Beca says softly, continuing to speak to this baby who doesn’t have a clue what turmoil Beca and Chloe went through.

Chloe steps back to her side, reaching out a finger slowly. To both their delights, Alanna giggles (or gurgles) and grasps Chloe’s finger immediately.

“Ready to go home?” Chloe asks softly.

“Yes,” Beca says.

She’s ready to finally go home.


End file.
